The Twelve Days of Deathmas
by HikariTwilight
Summary: Sora, Riku, and Kairi unwittingly commit the ULTIMATE EVIL! Along the way, they get a chain letter, change Riku's hairstyle, and go caroling! Is there any room left for Sora groping a tree? You bet! My first fanfic ever. Don't run away! R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

AN: Eee! It's ma first fanfic ever! So be nice. No flames please. Anyhoo I was at my friend's house (I swear I did not kill her bird!) and my other friend was showing us KH and KH2. And we were making fun of how RIDICULOUS the characters looked. And we came up with the Death-mas song. It was so priceless, I had to put it into a fanfic. Which is why you probably won't understand half the inside jokes. Now read.

Chapter 1 – Chain Letter

Riku ran down the beach drunkenly.

_The price I pay to look cool,_ he thought. But it was worth every bit of it, worth being blinded by his hair, the spine damage from his chronic slouching, having to hold up his extremely oversized pants when he walked because he refused to wear a belt. He looked _cool._

Except when he ran. Then he looked like an idiot. Which was why he now avoided it at all times, but this was an exception. There. He picked up the tightly corked bottle. It was another message from King Mickey.

"Sora! Kairi! I found it!" he yelled excitedly. Riku's friends, interrupted from their PDA session, came running grudgingly. They could actually move in a straight line, he noted.

"_What_ is it, Riku?" asked Sora. Riku waved the bottle in the air.

_Great time for a message,_ Sora thought angrily. _I was hoping to get to home base with Kairi…_

"Here, I'll open it!" Riku called. However, his hair was blocking his vision and he ended up smashing the bottle against a nearby tree. The message inside fluttered up into the topmost leaves.

"Oops. What happened?"

"RIKU YOU IDIOT! WHAT"S WRONG WITH YOU?!" was Sora and Kairi's reply. Sora started climbing the tree in hopes of retrieving the message. Through his curtain of bangs, Riku could see that Sora was…getting it on? Sora sure climbed _sexily_!

"STOP GROPING THE FUCKING TREE SORA AND GET THE FUCKING MESSAGE!!!" yelled Kairi. _Aah…she's jealous of that tree,_ thought Riku. _That means I still have a chance with her._

Sora jumped out of the tree with the message in his hand. Kairi looked furious.

"Sorry Kairi, I really can't climb any other way." Said Sora. "But you _do_ look hot today…" Kairi beamed.

"What does it say?" asked Riku, who was feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

"Huh. It says,

_Dear Sora, Riku, and Kairi,_

_Season's greetings! I'd send you a gift, but you wouldn't believe the cost of sending a little package by bottle. So instead, I give you this mission to spread holiday cheer! Now go sing this following carol in front of at least ten houses and send this to 10 people or you will get 500 years of bad luck!_

Well, apparently there's song lyrics written here. This is an interesting carol. What do you say?" said Sora.

"Since when did King Mickey send chain letters?" Kairi said, rolling her eyes.

"Will we even be alive in 500 years?" said Riku skeptically.

"Oh, where's your Christmas spirit?" Sora replied. "I think we should go for it. It's from King _Mickey_, after all."

And so, the three friends mailed out 10 copies of the lyrics and began practicing the carol.

Riku held the paper and stood between Sora and Kairi, lest they start making out again. They started singing, Kairi's soprano voice clashing with Sora's off-beat notes and Riku's bellowing.

"On the first day of – _Deathmas_? What the hell is that supposed to be?" exclaimed Sora.

"The rest of the song's like this too," sighed Kairi. "Do we really have to do this?"

"What? I can't see!" Yelled Riku.

"Never mind, let's try that again…"

"On the first day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me a vulture in a dead tree…" sang Sora and Kairi.

Unfortunately, Riku couldn't see much through his hair and ended up singing, "…a whore in a dead tree."

"RIKU! STOP SCREWING AROUND!!!" Yelled the other two.

"Sorry. It's hard to see the words when I'm wearing a blindfold."

"That's your hair, Riku," Sora said.

"Oh…I knew that." They started singing again; this time Kairi and Sora held Riku's bangs up so he could see.

"On the second day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me two dying cats and a vulture in a dead tree. On the third day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree. On the fourth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree. On the fifth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me- OH MY GOD!"

"What _is_ it Sora?" groaned Kairi, annoyed that they were still singing the dumb carol. Anyone with half a brain knew King Mickey wouldn't send them that kind of crap. But Sora had called her hot…which was the only reason she was going along with the whole thing.

Sora started whispering into Kairi's ear. "I have a great idea that will help Riku! We'll need Selphie's jump rope." He kept talking, and Kairi started nodding. It was brilliant. And she wouldn't have to keep holding Riku's bangs up anymore. Kairi smirked. Oh, Riku was going to love this.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: The reason this is such a crappy fic is because I wrote it over a few hours purely for the amusement of myself and my friends. I'm posting it anyway because I have nothing better to do.

Chapter 2 – Riku's Haircut

After getting everything they needed, Sora climbed into position to carry out their secret mission. Kairi was left with the task of getting Riku to go along with them. She did her best to hide their supplies behind her back. She hoped she looked normal. Well, with hair like that, Riku couldn't tell the difference. Which was what their plan was all about.

"Umm…Riku?" called Kairi.

"Yeah?" Riku was glad Kairi was talking to him again. He didn't like the secretive way she and Sora had made him wait half an hour while they ran around the island doing god knows what. Probably getting it on again.

"Stand against this tree, okay?"

"_Why_?" Riku was suddenly suspicious. _She isn't going to make me grope the tree like Sora, is she?_ Riku hoped not. That tree just didn't turn him _on_. It wasn't sexy like Kairi…

"It's a surprise. For you. But, uh, you have to close your eyes – oh, as if you could see anyway. But it's better to be safe – and don't move!"

"Anything for you, Kairi."

"NOW!" Kairi yelled.

"What the-" Sora jumped out of the tree he had been groping earlier, directly opposite of Riku. And suddenly, Selphie's old jump rope was securing Riku to the tree in dozens of complicated knots.

"What are you _doing_?! Hey, don't come near me with those scissors, I'm warning you!"

"Sorry Riku, but this is for your own good," Kairi said sadly. "We just couldn't let you stay vision impaired forever. And we were tired of holding your hair out of your face." Kairi handed Sora the scissors and he started snipping away at Riku's silver locks.

"NOO! I _need_ my hair to look cool! STOP, YOU MOFOS!!!" Sora ignored him and kept cutting.

"It'll be over in a minute." Kairi comforted him. "Just hold still, or we might cut your nose off or something."

"_We_? Wait, you mean you're cutting my hair too?!"

"Well, not _really_…technically I'm _shaving_ it. Oh, I used this razor this morning. You don't mind, do you?" Riku was speechless. On one hand, he was having his head shaved with a used pink girl's razor. On the other hand, said razor had been touching Kairi's leg…Riku's pervy half won easily.

"Uhhh, just be careful, okay?"

"Define careful."

"Never mind, Kairi, but _don't_ cut my hair too short- YOU TOO SORA! WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!"

"Sorry," said Sora, not at all apologetically. "Oh, oops. Lemme see that razor Kairi…" Kairi handed over the razor and Sora commenced to shave Riku's head. Long strands of silver hair fell onto the sand and glinted in the sun. Riku squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, he realized that he could truly see for the first time since the end of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories!

"Hey, I can see! This is great! Thanks guys, you're the best!"

"Um, you better look in the mirror." Sora muttered as he held up a mirror in front of Riku's face. "Well, as long as you can see-"

"I'M FUCKING BALD!!!" Riku cried. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!!!"

"Hey, it's the inside that counts," Kairi reminded him. "And now we won't have to get you a seeing-eye dog…or bunny. They're cheaper, right?"

"Yeah," said Sora. "I saw this episode of Fun With Akatsuki where Itachi got a seeing-eye bunny on YouTube."

"STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!!! AAH, DON'T LET MY HAIR BLOW AWAY!!! I NEED IT TO MAKE A WIG!!!" While Riku chased locks of hair down the beach (un-drunkenly), Sora and Kairi started talking about the latest Fun With Akatsuki episode. They were still arguing about whether Tobi was better than Crispy, Itachi's bunny, when Riku gave up and ran back to the groped tree.

"Well, I guess my hair's stuck like this. We better get back to the caroling," he told his so-called friends irritably. Some friends they were, to do this to him. Now he would have to slouch even more and wear even baggier pants to look cool. Or he could change back to the grass skirt he had worn as dark Riku. Or go into hiding until his hair grew back. "Tomorrow's Christmas and we have to sing this at 10 houses or get 500 years of bad luck."

And so, they resumed practicing.

"On the first day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me a whor-_vulture_ in a dead tree…"


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hello again. Thanks to everyone for reviwing! I made up this song with my friend whose name I won't mention in case of online predators. Real short, it's mostly just the carol. And merry early Christmas.

Chapter 3

Kairi, Sora, and the now-hairless Riku rehearsed all afternoon and indeed went caroling that night. Their first stop was at Selphie's house, as thanks for supplying the jump rope. They rang the bell and Selphie opened the door to find Sora, Kairi, and…some bald guy singing an..._odd_ song.

"On the first day of Deathmas, my stalker gave to me a vulture in a dead tree.

On the second day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me two dying cats and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the third day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me eight pregnant zombies, seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me nine bloody daggers, eight pregnant zombies, seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me ten shrunken heads, nine bloody daggers, eight pregnant zombies, seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me eleven dirty needles, ten shrunken heads, nine bloody daggers, eight pregnant zombies, seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me twelve psychotic Santas, eleven dirty needles, ten shrunken heads, nine bloody daggers, eight pregnant zombies, seven poison apples, six drunken pirates, OH MY GOD, four pounds of crack, three smoke bombs, two dying cats, and a vulture in a dead tree."

"Erm, nice song. Wait…IS THAT YOU RIKU?! ZOMG YOU'RE BALD!" Selphie exclaimed excitedly. "I didn't recognize you! So the haircut plan really worked?"

"_You_ were in on this?!" asked Riku incredulously. He let out a cry of frustration that sounded like this: "GAAHHHHRRGGFUKINFRIENDSMUSTAUSEDSELPHS JUMPROPEAAHFUKFUKFUK!!!!!!!!" Sora dragged him toward the next house by his enormously baggy pants, which were falling down again.

"Bye Selphie," Kairi called as she followed her friends.

At the next house, a small crowd gathered around to watch them sing. Unfortunately, the audience didn't receive them as _politely_ as Selphie had. Some of them snickered at Riku's new hairstyle, some booed at the lyrics of The Twelve Days of Deathmas, and all of them threw rotten vegetables and eggs at the trio. The same thing happened at the next house, and the next, but the friends kept going in fear of having 500 years of bad luck. At some point they started singing "whore" instead of "vulture," which just made everyone throw harder. When they finally finished caroling at ten houses, the mob was so huge that Sora had to kill everyone with his keyblade to get through. They all went home and took hot showers (co-ed in Sora and Kairi's case). Riku finished before his friends because he didn't have to wash eggs out of his hair…and because he didn't participate in the make-out fest. All in all, the caroling was a huge failure, but at least they had escaped 500 years of bad luck.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Last chapter. Short and cheesy. I felt like ending it so I just wrote whatever came to mind. Yes. King Mickey has an evil twin.

Chapter 4 – Ultimate Evil!

The Christmas morning after the disastrous caroling event dawned on Destiny Islands. Sora, Riku, and Kairi exchanged gifts halfheartedly. Sora and Kairi still had egg in their hair. The friends went down to the beach to hang out. As the sun climbed slowly in the sky, Riku thought he could see something shining in the water. He ran down the beach non-drunkenly only to find…another bottle. He suddenly felt a deep foreboding. Without bothering to call Sora and Kairi, who were kissing passionately, Riku pulled the cork out of the bottle. He slowly unrolled the message, and his heart sank.

_Since when did King Mickey send chain letters?_ Kairi had asked. The answer was simple. He didn't. And now they were in for it.

"Sora, Kairi, come here! It's another message, but you won't like it."

"It can't be worse than the last one," Kairi grumbled, but she walked over to Riku anyway. Sora followed her.

Riku sighed and read the note aloud.

"_Dear Sora, Riku, and Kairi,_

_Merry Christmas! I'm writing to warn you, if you receive a note telling you to sing a carol called The Twelve Days of Deathmas, DON'T DO IT!!! That letter is NOT from me, it was my evil twin brother DICK-ey Mouse. He has an evil plot to spread chain letters around Destiny Islands. If it's too late, then I am very sorry for the egg in your hair._

_Signed, King Mickey"_

Nobody said anything for a moment. Then the trio sank down on the sand. They had committed the ultimate evil: sending chain letters for no good reason! (Is there ever a good reason for sending chain letters? Didn't think so.) It took them forever to find all the notes they had mailed and destroy them. But it was worth it, because Sora and Kairi finally made it to home base while trapped in a mailbox. Afterwards, Sora and Kairi finally managed to wash the egg out of their hair, while Riku's hair grew back very, _very_ slowly. Soon their lives went back to normal, although Sora _had_ killed half of the Destiny Island folk on that fateful Christmas Eve. And Selphie now avoided them at all costs. And they all had The Twelve Days of Deathmas stuck in their heads. But other than that, everything was normal again - until their New Year party, that is…


End file.
